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Welcome to Sacred Friends. It and its companion website used to be Eternal Community, but, quite honestly, I never liked the name and felt a touch out of step with the focus. It's no longer about trying to train and equip counselors and others in relational ministry. Now it's about living relationally. It’s about my heart's desire to see people love God and others more deeply and to be a part of their journey as I share a bit of my own.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Invited, Assigned, or Both?

I’ve continued to ponder Bill Hybels’ My Morning Prayer and I’ve been stuck on two phrases: “commit myself to the role you’ve invited me to play” and “commit all of myself to the role you have assigned me in the building of your church.” I don’t know if the difference was intentional or not. I rather assume it was; Bill Hybels is a smart and logical man. But, even if it wasn’t, God is still using it to make me think more deeply about my role in His Kingdom.

 It is undeniable that there are certain things about ourselves that we cannot change. The Lord knit each one of us together in our mother’s womb and with each one of us He used a pattern that is unique. No two are exactly alike, not even identical twins. They may look the same on the outside and may share many of the same characteristics and personality traits, but still, each is distinct. As a young child I knew twins that were impossible to tell apart by looking. Only their mother knew, not even their father could manage it. But it only took a minute with them to know which was which. One was outgoing, the other quiet. So, whether it’s our looks, our physical build…tall or short, muscular or wiry…our innate personality…gregarious or reserved, laid back or hyper…our IQ, or other characteristics, each of us came into the world with certain attributes that we can’t change.

We also can’t changed who are biological parents are, who raised us, where we were born and raised, the other members of our family, illness, death of loved ones, and things that have happened to us whether by natural disaster, accident, or poor choices on the part of others. None of us had a say in whether we were born into a wealthy family or a poor one, a kind one or an abusive one, a farm family or a city family. So much in our formative years has been beyond our control.

Once we’ve accepted Christ there’s a whole new set of parameters; a new heart, a new mind, a new identity, and one or more spiritual gifts. I think all of these non-changeable things are part of the role that we’ve been assigned in God’s Kingdom.

Then there’s the invitation. At any given moment in any given day, we are faced with the choice to build up or tear down. We can choose our own agenda or God’s. And what blessed relief when the two are the same! We can choose relationship or isolation, mercy or revenge, blessing or curse, life or death.

We get to choose what we will do with the unchangeable components of our lives. Will we enter into God’s plan with thanksgiving and praise or will we become bitter and selfish? Will we use our hurts to ease the pain of others or will we wallow in them? Will we generously share our abundance or hoard the blessings we’ve received? Will we choose money and possessions over people? Education over relationship? Comfort over calling?

He has assigned us and invited us. I don’t always get it right. I don’t want to be interrupted. I want quiet. I try to write or pray or read and someone crashes through my peace and quiet with the audacity of a question or a comment. My mother needs help opening a jar, my husband calls to ask if we have plans for the next night. Life enters my solitude, my agenda. I have a choice. Oh but that I would choose rightly more than I do or that when I do, it would not be such a struggle to battle my annoyance into submission. Father, I long to be the joyful, grateful woman You created me to be. I long to see others as you see them; Your precious children, not an interruption.

We have a choice, moment by moment. How will I choose when the next opportunity arises? How will you? What is your heart’s desire?

Psalm 139: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Joshua 24:15 …choose this day whom you will serve…

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Faithful in the Little Things

Last week at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit Bill Hybels challenged us to sincerely pray the following prayer for thirty days.

My Morning Prayer

God, this is a new day. I freshly commit myself to the role you have invited me to play, as you are building your church in this world. I am awestruck again today that you include me in this grand life-giving, world-transforming endeavor. So today I joyfully offer you:


I commit all of myself to the role you have assigned me in the building of your church so that it may thrive in this world. And I will “bring it” today. I will bring my best. You deserve it. Your church deserves it. It is the Hope of the World. 

He asked us all to take out the cards we’d been given, stand, and say the prayer out loud in unison. I usually balk at these grand attempts to get everyone on board. I feel coerced and the rebellious side of me kicks in, refusing to be emotionally railroaded to jump on the proverbial spiritual bandwagon.

This time was different. The entire summit had been one cohesive event for me, confirming and convicting at the same time. I didn’t say the prayer out loud because I couldn’t. The words stuck, the tears came. I said them silently. In my heart. God knew.

The next morning I was excited to get downstairs, grab my card, and say my prayer. I even signed and dated it. I’ve said it all six mornings since the conference. Will I make the entire 30 days? I don’t know. But I do know, it has already had an impact. I pray through it, pondering each point, lingering over some more than others each day. I use it to remind me, to spur me on, to focus.

Two days ago my focus was on my gratitude. My husband had been rear-ended on 66. The truck has some damage and he was sore. Gratitude. I have my husband. He’s alive. Today my focus was on my resources, which, of course, I only have because He’s given them. It reminded me that we had promised to give a monthly donation to a missionary couple and I had been distracted with other things. I stopped before the end of the prayer and took care of the thing I said I would do several weeks ago.

The prayer has prompted me to consider my talents; again, something that I have only because He has given. It has brought Scripture to mind and the combination has spurred me on to write. Writing is in me. Whether or not it is any good by human standards is not for me to judge. It is a gift, given to me by my Father and it is His to use as He sees fit. I am finding freedom in this. It’s not about me writing the great American novel or being well known. It’s about using what He has given me in a way that is honoring and glorifying to Him. All the rest is up to Him.

I was reminded of the parable of the ten talents in Luke 19. The king gave 3 servants 10 minas, 5 minas, and 1 mina respectively, and charged them to put the money to work while he went away for a while. When he returned he found that two of the servants had doubled their money while one put his away for safe keeping. The king was pleased with the first two servants, but not the last. To the first one he said, “Well done, my good servant! Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.” How can I expect to do great things for God when I am not faithful with the little tasks that God gives me? How can I expect God to give me more opportunities to write when, out of fear of being rejected, I hide my gift away for safe keeping?

I am learning to let go of my agenda and look to the Lord moment by moment for His direction. It is a slow process; sometimes a painful one. Changing a dirty diaper, giving a friend a ride, taking the truck in for the estimate, praying for the man who hit Paul’s truck…they’re all valuable in God’s economy. It is quite likely that those are the some of the greatest things I will ever do no matter much the Lord may choose to use my passion for writing.

Will you join me in committing to sincerely praying this prayer for 30 days? And will you share with us the impact it has? There’s nothing magical about it. It’s simply a tool that the Lord is using to draw His children to Him. He wants to converse with us. Will You choose to sit in His lap for a while and let Him continue to transform you into the man or woman you were created to be?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dance in the Rain: Book Review

Death and Grief

The question is not, will they come, but how will we deal with them when they do come. While the process will be different for everyone, Angela A. Dockter-Harris offers some assistance with her book, Dance in the Rain: His Joy Comes in the Mourning.

The Journal

Dance in the Rain is divided into two parts. In the first half of the book Angela guides the reader through a variety of journaling exercises; some are applicable to anyone experiencing grief and others are designed for particular situations such as the death of a child. Sections include Remembering the Person You Love, This Gift I Leave You (for those who are facing their own death), and The Loss.

One thing in particular that I like about this section is the simplicity. Particularly when someone is just beginning the grief journey, thinking can become clouded and difficult. Concentration can often be elusive at best. Angela makes it easy for the reader by not merely suggesting topics to write about, but by providing the start of simple, yet meaningful sentences, leaving space for the reader to respond.

Like a breath of fresh air, the honesty in the journal blows away the oppressive burden of pretending the deceased was perfect. She gives the reader an opportunity to share some of the loved ones quirks and even recall some of their “pet peeves” with the loved one. This is certainly not the focus of the journal, but these things are part of our daily lives with the people we love and it is beneficial to have someone say it’s ok to acknowledge them.

Whether readers like to journal or not, they can benefit from this section. A fairly common fear among the bereaved is that they will forget things about their loved one. The direction provided in the journal will jog the memory; even a one or two word response can help preserve precious memories and provide relief from the fear of forgetting. Thinking and praying through the journal prompts can jog the emotional memory as well and help the mourner find healing. For journal enthusiasts the prompts may be a springboard for additional thoughts about their loved one.

The Bible Study

Part two is a Bible study that examines four topics: When a Loved One Isn’t Saved, Anger, Sorrow, and Acceptance. The Bible study is provided twice in its entirety so that someone facing death may do the Bible study and then give the book to a loved one who can also complete the Bible study.

Parts of the Bible study may be a bit challenging and in all likelihood some people may disagree with a few of the author’s conclusions. Nonetheless, I believe the Bible study will prove to be valuable to those who are grieving, particularly, if the reader reads both of the introductions. In the first introduction Angela shares a bit of her own experience with grief which gives her a platform on which to stand when she makes some, perhaps, hard to swallow statements. For instance, in the chapter on acceptance she leads the reader through a series of promises and truths found in Scripture. She goes on to say that all Bible-believing Christians must embrace these truths. People in the midst of grief may have a hard time embracing the truth that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. The difficulty or pain doesn’t negate the truth, but I think it’s only fair to acknowledge the Bible study may present some challenges along the way.

In the second introduction Angela shares her heart’s desire for the healing of her readers. I get the sense that she genuinely cares about those who are mourning the death of a loved one and she knows from personal experience that embracing the truth of the Scripture and the One who wrote them will ultimately provide comfort and healing.


I recommend this book to anyone experiencing the pain of grief and to anyone who wants to help others travel through the journey.

Book Details

Author: Angela A. Dockter-Harris
Publisher: Tate Publishing & Enterprises (2008)
Categories: Self-Help: Journal Writing
Family and Relationships: Death, Grief, Bereavement
Christian Living: Relationships: General
ISBN and Length: 978-1-60694-513-8, 195 pages

Note: The reviewer received a complimentary copy of Dance in the Rain.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Going Rogue: A Review by Bob Kellemen

We have a guest blogger joining us today. Author, speaker, consultant, and professor, Dr. Bob Kellemen, reviews Sarah Palin's new book, Going Rogue.

What, you may ask, does a book review on a political autobiography have to do with biblical counseling, soul care, and spiritual direction? Good question. First, all of life has to do with soul care and spiritual direction. There is always something we can learn from current events, history, and the ordinary stuff of life. Second, I believe that a solid model of biblical counseling will include four key components: Content, Character, Competency, and Community (more on each of these in upcoming posts). Bob's review leaves us with something to consider concerning character...who we are when everyone is looking and who we are when no one is looking. As counselors, mentors, disciplers, clergy, lay leaders, and spiritual friends, our character matters. While reading through Bob's review, particularly as you near the end, you may want to ask yourself a few questions.
  • How well do those around me know where I stand in regard to Christ as Lord?
  • How bold am I when it comes to communicating what I believe in and who I am?
  • If I were to write my autobiography, what would I include? What would people remember?

Going Rogue: An American Life by Sarah Palin
Book Review by Bob Kellemen

Book Details

*Author: Sarah Palin (with Lynn Vincent)
*Publisher: HarperCollins(2009)
*Category: Autobiography, Politics
*ISBN and Length: 978-0061997877, 413 Pages

Reviewed By: Bob Kellemen, Ph.D., LCPC, Author of Soul Physicians, Spiritual Friends, Beyond the Suffering, Sacred Friendships, and God’s Healing for Life’s Losses. Find all of Bob’s book reviews, blogs, books, and free resources at

Recommended: Going Rogue offers Sarah Palin’s fast-paced, well-written, personal account of her American life from her relative obscurity in Alaska to her meteoric rise as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate.

Review: Living the American Dream

Reviewing Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue: An American Life must be an American pastime. Within three weeks of publication, Amazon.Com already lists 536 reviews. No surprise, given that as of December 6, 2009, it remains Amazon’s number one best seller, and perhaps the most talked about autobiography since Bill Clinton’s mammoth My Life.

What Others Are Saying

I find many of the reviews, along with the comments and criticisms of the “liberal pundits,” to be almost laughable. Many complain that Going Rogue is “self-serving.” Such a statement is not a book review; it’s a judgment of the motives of the heart. Ironic, isn’t it, that those who claim Sarah Palin is a “judgmental Evangelical” turn around and judge her motives?

Others grumble that Going Rogue is “self-focused” or overly “self-referential.” Pardon me for being a tad slangish, but “Duh!” “Hello!” It is, after all, an autobiography. Read Bill Clinton’s My Life (all 957 pages) and guess what, it’s self-referential. The same is true of Hillary Clinton’s Living History and of Barack Obama’s Dreams from My Father. Yes, by definition, an autobiography offers an individual’s personal slant on their life, perspective, beliefs, and impact.

The Foreshadowing: Living the American Dream

Being a political biography and autobiography “junkie,” I didn’t know what to expect when my copy of Going Rogue arrived. I’ve read autobiographies that creep along at a terminally slow pace. Not so, Going Rogue. Palin’s writing is fast-paced and captivating. (Yes, she has a collaborator, Lynn Vincent, which is common-place in such political autobiographies. However, the fact that Sarah Palin is a college-educated journalism major also likely has much to do with how well-written her autobiography is.)

Palin begins by foreshadowing the rest of the book.

She’s zig-zagging from booth to booth at the 2008 Alaskan state-fair, her four-month-old son, Trig, in her arms, Piper, her seven-year-old daughter her constant companion. Her phone rings and it’s John McCain asking if she “wanted to help him change history.”

From state fair to world politics. From babe-in-arms to fighting for the life of the unborn. From the obscurity of the Alaskan outback to the notoriety of vice-presidential candidate. Hers is “an American life”—where an individual can rise from a working-class home and work her way from city council, to major’s office, to governor of the largest state, to a heartbeat away from the most powerful office in the land.

Her American Life

From there, Palin transports her readers back in time to February 11, 1964, the day she was born in Sandpoint, Idaho. Within three months, her family is moving to the remote frontier town of Skagway, Alaska.

Palin tells the revealing story of her first attempt to fly. Four-years-old, she leaps off the wooden plank sidewalk. Her description is metaphoric for her life.

“I got to thinking: I had seen eagles and dragonflies and ptarmigan fly, but I had never seen a person fly. That didn’t make any sense to me. Hadn’t anyone ever tried it before? Why couldn’t someone just propel herself up into the air and get it done? I stopped and looked up at the summer sky, then down at the dirt road below. Then I simply jumped. I didn’t care who might see me. I wanted to fly more than I worried about what I looked like. My knees took most of the impact, and I scraped them both. ‘Well, that didn’t work,’ I thought. So I got up, dusted myself off, and kept walking.”

That’s the story of Sarah Palin’s life in just over 100 words. Like her or hate her, agree with her or disagree vehemently, Sarah Palin is a flyer. A risk-taker. She’s resilient. As Yukon Cornelius would say, “She’s like a Bumble. Bumbles bounce.”

I enjoyed her first fifty pages perhaps most of all. Her readers learn not only of her upbringing, but of her ancestry, back several generations to well-educated, middle-class, hard-working Americans. We also learn of her husband, Todd’s, background and Yupik Eskimo ancestry. Additionally, we learn of her athletic accomplishments, her working her way through college, her childhood and young adulthood friends, and of her meeting and marrying Todd.

Why the Feminist Hatred?

Palin not only traces her early years, but also outlines her political rise: from city council, to major, to governor, to vice-presidential candidate. Reading these pages, I couldn’t help but ponder, “Why the feminist hatred?”

Let’s be honest. If her political and religious views were liberal, then her back story would be the darling of the feminist world. Born without any silver spoon. Not making it in life and politics because of the help of a well-connected father, or on the coattails of a politically-powerful husband. Working her own way through college. Raising a family and becoming a working mother. Getting involved in local causes. Fighting the old-boys’ network to be elected to the city council, to be elected mayor, and then governor. An athlete. A beautiful woman who never used her physical beauty to gain political clout.

I mean, what’s not to like about her radical womanhood?

No doubt, it’s her conservative values that prompt the feminist hatred.

Painful Reading

Reading about Palin’s rise within Alaskan politics was enjoyable reading. However, once she made the transition to the national scene, I cringed as I turned every page. Not because of poor writing, but because of the documentation of the constant attacks—attacks on her family, on her intellect, on her views and values.

I’m no Sarah Palin apologist. I don’t agree with all her views—whether religious or political. I’m not even claiming she was the most qualified vice-presidential candidate in American history (she certainly was not the least qualified and she had more political and executive experience than many presidential candidates).

It’s just the sheer unfairness of the attacks. Consider just one small, almost ancillary example: her college education. She was mocked by the media because it took her five years to graduate from college. That’s because she worked her way through college and had to take time off to earn enough money to pay her tuition. Sounds rather honorable.

Others mock the schools she attended and the degree she earned. True, she did not attend an elite, Ivy League, Eastern university. Then again, neither did arguably one of America’s most successful Presidents, Ronald Reagan (Eureka College). Perhaps most ironic, those complaining the most about her college education had the identical degree: a bachelor’s degree in journalism.

Of course, that’s pretty trite stuff compared to the way Palin was savaged as a hick, an anti-intellectual, a religious extremist, dangerous, totally unqualified and unfit, etc., etc., etc.

Yes, it was painful to re-live those excruciating months of national “notoriety.”

Then again, it was instructive finally to hear “the rest of the story.” Sure, as an autobiography, you read Sarah Palin’s personal slant and biased perspective. At least her side of the story is finally told.

What About Christ?

Many may be surprised where I do find fault with Going Rouge.

Where is Christ in Going Rogue?

I’m not questioning Sarah Palin’s personal Christian faith in Christ. Nor am I questioning her religious values. Neither am I denigrating her Christian lifestyle. She prays. She depends upon God. She attends church. She loves her husband and family. She lives out her pro-life beliefs. Etc., etc., etc.

I also realize that Going Rogue is primarily a political autobiography, not a religious one. I understand that Palin’s purpose was not to make converts. Still, Sarah Palin is not afraid, throughout Going Rogue, to speak her mind and to share her heart. In fact, she’s not afraid to talk about her relationship to God.

All that said, I ask again, “Where is Christ in Going Rogue?”

My antennae first went up when I read Palin’s two explicit descriptions of what Evangelicals might call “conversion.” The first, on page 22, describes her personal conversion.

“I made the conscious decision that summer to put my life in my Creator’s hands and trust Him as I sought my life’s path.”

The second, on the last page of her book (page 413), involves what some might describe as an “altar call.”

“And I do know there is a God. My life is in His hands. I encourage readers to do what I did many years ago, invite Him in to take over . . . then see what He will do and how He will get you through. Test Him on this. You’ll see there’s no such thing as coincidence. I’m thankful for His majestic creation called Alaska, which has given me my home, and for His touch on America, which has given us all so many opportunities. By His grace, an American life is an extraordinary life.”

What’s missing?

Christ is missing.

Sin is missing. Confession of guilt before a holy God is missing. Salvation is missing.

My antennae alerted, it then dawned on me that I didn’t remember hearing any Christian salvation concepts anywhere in Going Rogue. Perhaps my memory was bad, especially since I wasn’t consciously looking for these concepts in a political autobiography.

So I performed an Amazon “Search Inside” the book.

How many times in her 413 pages does Sarah Palin mention Christ? Zero.

Christian? Zero.

Christianity? Zero.

Salvation? Zero.

Sin? Twice. However, both are said sarcastically about journalistic sins of omission. So, sin? Zero.

Grace? A dozen times. However, not once in the context, or with the meaning of, “saving grace.” So, saving grace? Zero.

Evangelical? Twice. Once about her mother being invited to an Evangelical church, and once about Sarah being called a “book-burning Evangelical extremist.”

Lord? Eleven times. Several in Old Testament quotes. Several in prayers, such as “Dear Lord.” Several in slang, such as, “Dear lord, you call that a good interview?” Never in the Evangelical sense of Christ as Lord.

Church? Eleven times.

God? Forty-two times.

If Palin had never shared her conversion experience (page 22), or never broached the topic of encouraging her readers to do what she did many years ago (page 413), then I would have been a little less concerned. I could say, “It’s a political memoir, that’s why Christ is missing.”

However, having addressed the topic, plus having mentioned God 42 times, and then leaving Christ, sin, and salvation totally out of all 413 pages… I have to ask, “Where is Christ in Going Rogue?” “Why was Christ omitted from Going Rogue?”

What to make of this? Again, I’m not questioning Sarah Palin’s Christian faith or Christian life.

However, I am raising the important question of how she chose to describe her conversion and her Christian faith in her autobiography, where on so many other personal issues she’s so unafraid to speak her mind boldly.

Honestly, it’s scary. Scary because it’s illustrative of our post-modern conception of religious faith.

It’s religion lite. It’s conversion without Christ. It’s salvation without the cross. It’s redemption without sin and guilt.

It’s “AA Faith”: putting our hands in the hands of an anonymous, generic “Higher Power.”

If the “Religious Right” is behind Sarah Palin, it had better not be because of her depiction of salvation from sin by grace through faith in Christ alone. At least not on the basis of 413 pages of autobiographical narrative where she mentions Christ zero times, where she never once mentions sin and salvation from sin.

Yes, unfortunately, it is a typical American life. We pray to God in the hard times. We mention God. But we eschew explicit dependence upon Christ as our only Savior from sin by grace through faith.

A Political Autobiography

As a political autobiography, Going Rogue: An American Life is an excellent read. If you want Sarah Palin’s defense of Sarah Palin’s political life (which is what every political autobiography offers), and you want it in a tell-all, fast-paced, well-crafted book, then do what 2.5 million people have done already—buy Going Rogue.

However, if you want a personal autobiography (of someone who claims to be a spokesperson for the Evangelical Right) that at least provides a snippet of content about conversion to Christ from sin by faith—then Going Rogue will disappoint. Going Rogue, while it is a defense of Sarah Palin’s life and politics, is not a defense of Christ’s saving life, death, burial, and resurrection for our sin. Which, in my conviction, is not only America’s only hope, but the only hope of the world.

Friday, November 20, 2009

A Walk to Forgiveness

Over the years I have counseled, mentored, and taught a number of abuse victims. The stories are appalling and far too common. One of the questions I often get is, "How can I possibly forgive the person who abused me?" It's a difficult question; one that is painful and challenging, and fraught with a great deal of soul searching, usually accompanied by anger, a demand for justice, and confusion.

Today I'd like to share a poem with you. It's written by Kris Caudle. It is her response to the question of forgiveness. When I heard Kris read it, I was struck by her honesty and her willingness to entrust herself to her heavenly Father, but even more than that, I was reminded anew of God's supernatural grace and mercy. Forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to us. It is a divine gift from God; it is the gift of freedom.

My hope and prayer is that you will take comfort and find hope in "A Walk to Forgiveness".

Thank you, Kris, for sharing such an important part of your story.

A Walk to Forgiveness
Written by Kris Caudle October, 2009

God brought me into this world
A child so innocent & pleasing in His sight.
Life so full & free was meant to be
But a life of shame is what would come to be.

What could I have done to deserve such a terrible deed?
Men of this world, so cruel & desperate with only one plea
You must satisfy my need no matter what the cost may be
Big, strong, & powerful you might be,
But that’s no match for my Father to be.

I learned to hate & live in fear
My anger so out of control death was near.
I trusted you to love me, I trusted you to protect me
Yet you destroyed me; now hatred reigning in my soul forever to be.

I thought I’d entered the land of no return
But what I found was my Father for eternity.
He taught me to love & trust again
He taught me to life there was no end.

Unworthy though I felt
For tainted & damaged is what I was dealt
I turned my back on Him with anger, fear, & doubt.
Then in shame, loneliness, & desperation to Him I turned once again
Forgiven & free is what He would say without a doubt.

His promise of life so full & free was sure to be
But there was a choice I had to see.
Be a prisoner or forgive and be free

For life only comes from me.

Father you know not what you ask of me
This indeed will take too much of me.
But because you chose to forgive me
I will choose to forgive those who have sinned against me.
For a prisoner I choose not to be
Because this is not the life you meant for me.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Being Forgivable

It often seems that when the topic of forgiveness surfaces in a conversation with a client, parishioner, or spiritual friend, the focus highlights the need for the individual to be a forgiving person. While this is an essential aspect of the Christian life (Matthew 6:14, 18:35; Luke 6:37; Colossians 3:13), it is also important to remember the principal of being a forgivable person.

A forgivable person is one who is willing to acknowledge wrong-doing and actively seek forgiveness from those who have been wronged. Being forgivable is about character; character that begins with an intimate relationship with Christ and is manifested in behavior that demonstrates a godly and humble attitude of heart and mind.

Sharing the Principal: “No Excuses”
As pastors, mentors, counselors, and spiritual friends, it is up to us to help those with whom we walk to understand that we are all without excuse. The Lord doesn’t care how right we are. He cares how righteous we are. Righteousness first requires that God’s children know what He expects of them; what He approves of and what He doesn’t. Of course, for this to occur it is vital that we encourage our spiritual friends to read, study, probe, and ponder the Bible consistently, honestly, and candidly. Knowing God’s Word enlightens our clients to recognize and admit when they need to ask for forgiveness.

When they struggle with denial or “justifiable” sin, we can point them back to Scripture, gently reminding them that everyone sins (Romans 3:23), and if we claim to be sin-free we are deceiving ourselves (1 John 1:8). We can also compassionately remind them that we are warned against thinking too highly of ourselves (Romans 12:3).

Although the Lord already knows when our clients have sinned, He expects them to confess those sins to Him. Scripture promises that when they do, the Lord will forgive them and purify them from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

God also expects that His children admit the errors of their ways to one another (James 5:18; Matthew 3:23-24) and to be at peace with one another as much as it depends on each person (Romans 12:18). Those are commands, not suggestions. They don’t come with loopholes and conditions.

Our bad behavior is not justified by someone else’s bad behavior. Even the unsaved know this. Who hasn’t heard from a very early age, the adage, “Two wrongs don’t make a right”? But so often Christians confuse the issue and think, feel, and act as though they can behave in sinful ways because someone has wronged them.

Shepherding the Process: Becoming a Forgivable Person
There are a few practical steps that we and our clients can take toward becoming more responsible in the quest to become a more forgivable person.

Follow Christ’s Model of Never Making Excuses: When we offer excuses we are in essence saying that it is not our fault that we did wrong. We are blaming the other person, circumstances, or someone else, rather than taking full responsibility for our actions. Having a bad day, things not going our way, or being mistreated by someone is not a license to sin. Christ, not the world, neighbors, friends, or family, is our standard (Philippians 2: 6-8). If ever anyone was misunderstood, mistreated, abused, and injured, it is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Not once did He sin in His responses to His mockers and tormenters. Not once did He lash out because He was tired or hungry. Not once did He lose His temper because people were making demands of Him and trying to pull Him in twenty different directions at the same time. And aren’t those the very things of life that we try to use to justify our sin? We are without excuse and would do well to remember that when we apologize.

Specifically Ask for Forgiveness: We oftentimes simply say (sometimes begrudgingly), “I’m sorry.” It’s important to ask for forgiveness for something specific rather than assume forgiveness has been granted, or worse yet, to demand that it be extended. Saying, "I should not have lied to you. Will you forgive me?" communicates humility and the acceptance of responsibility, and is much more powerful than a blanket, "I'm sorry."

Prepare for Possible Rejection: People are not always ready and willing to extend forgiveness to those who have hurt them, merely because the offender asks for forgiveness. We can help our parishioners think through their responses in the event forgiveness is withheld.

Remember That the Consequences of Sin Can Be Long-Term: As important and necessary as confession, repentance, and apologizing are, they don’t guarantee that the repercussions will be erased. For instance, it can take years for the damage of adultery to be repaired. A simple, “I’m sorry I cheated on you,” isn’t going to engender immediate trust from the offended spouse. Sometimes sinful choices put people in the position of making restitution and it is essential that we accept those consequences. Even King David experienced dire consequences from his adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband, Uriah (2 Samuel 11-12). Even when forgiveness is extended, consequences can remain.

Emphasize Spiritual Disciplines and the Process of Progressive Sanctification: Seeking to become a forgivable person will require all that the spiritual disciplines have to offer. We are each a work in progress. The Lord expects us to be progressively sanctified day by day and moment by moment. It is the Lord who provides the power to change. It is up to us to cooperate with Him and make a point to actively participate in the process (Philippians 2:12-14).

Choose to Be Forgiving: It is important that we continue to be people who forgive regardless of whether or not others are forgiving us. That’s part of being without excuse.

View Life as a Journey Where We Grow Along the Way: Nothing is wasted in God’s economy. When we humble ourselves and seek forgiveness from those we have wronged, we will become more like Christ and be blessed for it.

Inevitably there will be bumps in the road toward becoming a more forgivable person. However, the road is one worth traveling. Every step not only enhances our relationships and conforms us more to the image of Christ, but also takes us closer to His heart.

Note: This article originally published in the BCSFN quarterly journal. Reprinted with permission.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Sacred Friendships Blog Tour: Week One

Amazing Stories of Remarkable Women

Don't miss out on the excitement. Join the journey this week as you learn the story behind the stories of over 50 remarkable women of faith.

Week One

Here's what you can expect to discover his week and where you can find it.

Monday, September 21, Kary Oberbruner:

Kary will post responses to an Author Q/A he prepared. He'll focus on The big idea of Sacred Friendships, what it's about, who should read it, and why.

Tuesday, September 22, Julie Ganschow:

Julie will post responses to another set of Author Q/A's. She'll focus on being a voice for the voiceless, why we thinkg the church has often failed to listen to the voice of women, and whether we think this continues to be a problem today.

Wednesday, September 23, Stacy Harp:
Stacy will post a lively podcast interview with my co-author, Bob Kellemen. She's a very engaging and encouraging host. Be sure to listen and get the inside scoop on the passion and vision behind the book.

Thursday, September 23, Brad Hambrick:

Brad will explore the map used by Sacred Friendships to share the narrative of women soul care givers. He'll also post author summaries of the first female martyr of the church (Perpetua) and share author stories of the Mothers of the Church.

Friday, September 25, Jim Nestle:

Jim will share author interactions about Monica the Mother of Augustine. Who is the true discipler behind one of the greatest theologians and biblical psychologists of all time? He'll also explore with Bob and me whether women's counsel is all "thouchy-feely" or whether it also has "teeth".

To order your copy of Sacred Friendships visit